Silence

by Cait

I’ve been MIA again.

While I was sick, Robert installed new hardware on the front door, removed the kickplate, painted the back of the door & the trim, and replaced the storm door hardware only to discover it wouldn’t close (so he moved the storm door to the back porch, where the previous door was falling apart). I didn’t take pictures of any of that, though (and I’m not sure we have “befores”, but I should take some “afters”!). He has also been helping out at our friends’ new house, prepping the walls for paint. I’ve mostly been eating chips and chocolate cream Oreos, and planning a mini makeover for our front porch.

In addition to not helping and taking pictures, I also did a lot of thinking during my bout of strep/an ear infection. (And we’re not even going to discuss the fact that my throat may be starting to hurt. Again.) I’m not much of a talker. I prefer to listen to others, observe, and interject only after I’ve thought about exactly what I’m going to say. I’m also not the sort who can just sit and think. I sometimes have trouble doing just one thing at a time (my mom says I’m a kinesthetic learner), I prefer to occupy myself with something else (be that far too many reruns of Grey’s Anatomy or wallpaper peeling) and let my mind go where it may. When my maternal grandmother passed while I was in college, I spent the better part of a week on Robert & Ryan’s couch watching Law&Order reruns with Freckles. I didn’t talk much, I was content to know that they were there if I needed them. It seems that these days I generally prefer company of those who will sit quietly with me and not try to force conversation.

seen on Pinterest

In 193 (this makes 194) posts, I haven’t talked much about our personal lives on the blog. Not in ways that matter, really. I’ve mentioned that Robert and I live in North Florida (and I’d prefer not to narrow that down any further), that we have a few close friends who mean a lot to us, and that my parents live around the corner from us, but I never did much of an introductory “this is who we are” kind of post. The reason for that is the fact that I’m not great at spilling my guts about how I feel. I can’t list the reasons why I love Robert, or my parents, or anyone else. I can sure as heck try to show them and hope they understand the meaning behind my actions. In literature I generally prefer authors who weave descriptions of their characters into the story, rather than telling you at the beginning that Suzie has red curly hair and big green eyes. I guess you could say that is sort of what I am trying to do with this blog, show you who Robert and I are a little at a time.

I’m not really one for organized religion, I’m more of an “everything happens for a reason” kind of person. I can certainly understand the comfort that others find in religion, but that isn’t something that speaks to me. While some people might prefer to pray when times are tough, I prefer to surround myself with those I care about. As I mentioned in this post, over the years I’ve lost so many people who mean the world to me in ways that were unavoidable, and all I want to do is hold on to the ones who are making the conscious decision to cut me out. Suffice to say, unavoidable losses tend to resonate within me in a way that causes my thoughts to center on the avoidable losses.

seen on Pinterest

I don’t make friends easily these days. It has nothing (ok, almost nothing) to do with the crippling shyness that hindered me when I was younger. These days I am much more “this is who I am, like me or don’t”. The resistance in making friends stems from years of opening myself up to people just to have them walk out of my life later. I know that people grow apart, and that not everyone is still friends with the same person they were when they were four. I have had many “best friends” over the years, some who moved away and some who I simply grew apart from until we had nothing in common aside from the fond memories. I don’t mourn the loss of those friendships, they made me who I am.

seen on Pinterest

Having said that, I am tired of showing people who I am, and giving them my trust, only to have them break my trust later. When someone says to you “I’m not going to walk away. You want someone to talk to, I’m there. Someone to hang out, I’m still there. Whatever it is. If I were the give up on friends type, I’d have been gone long ago”, and then turns around and willingly walks out of your life it hurts.  It’s heartbreaking in ways that should not be possible by someone who is not a lover. And it’s hard for me to trust after that. It’s also hard for me to admit how much I’ve been hurt, so sometimes I yell instead. And after the yelling there is only silence. Not the good silence like before, but the silence that comes after a desperate act. Sometimes that silence is a brief moment, and sometimes it spans weeks, and months, and years.

seen on Pinterest

I know myself, and that I am not the sort of person who has a huge group of friends. It it rare for me to find someone who gets me. Someone who is not shocked by my blunt nature, who understands my cynical side and my inability to express how I feel, and who sees the intent behind my actions. When a person like that walks away the loss is every bit as raw and real as a death, and yet there is not the closure that comes with a service. There is only silence.

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25 Comments to “Silence”

  1. Holy cats!! I felt like this is a post I could have written. We have a lot in common, Cait!! I hate, hate talking about myself as well. My “about me” on my blog is pretty short!

    Also, all these quotes that you posted are on my list of fave quotes.

  2. Alright little lady, I have some more of those quotes for you to add to your board. Some reaaaal good ones. It’s just too bad I have NO clue how to do anything other than just link to them though…

    :6

    (Can you tell I’m obsessed with pinterest too? OB. SESSED.)
    I hope those helped!

    And if not… here’s one more for good measure:

    Cheer up mama! You’ve got the world at your feet and a smile in your pocket. Whip it out and show the world what you’re made of!

  3. I so know where you’re coming from-ish. I recently lost my best friend and she just disappeared in the same town, with her husband on the same softball team as mine…just gone. I also don’t have a huge group of friends and working in an office where I’m the only girl makes it tough to meet new friends. BUT I do share too much, sometimes it makes Todd crazy and there are times where I have to edit a blog post because I shared something that he doesn’t want his customers/coworkers to see.

    I hope you’re doing okay!

    • Thanks Jami! That is pretty much exactly what happened. No one moved away or anything, they’re just… gone. I’m mostly doing ok, it’s just that “who do I tell when someting funny/sad/etc happens?” feeling. Of course I have Robert, but there is still this empty void, you know?

  4. Sorry you are going through this. I don’t make friends easily, either. I can identify with the “what the hell just happened here?” thought process. I think it is because I would do anything for a friend and to realize that not everyone would do that in return or that some might be fake about it is heartbreaking for me. I’m glad that you have the quiet support of your husband and true friends and family. And writing. Writing always helps me.

    • Thanks Emily! That’s the part that kills me, I have never known them to be fake or unwilling to do anything for a friend. I just want to yell “What the heck is wrong with you?!” but that (of course) doesn’t help anything. I’m thankful to have Robert, and my family & friends. And yes, writing about it (sometimes obscurely, in my case) helps.

  5. Dearest Cait – you are wonderful. Life just isn’t fair sometimes. You try to do right by people and it still hits you in the face. Not fair. So sorry that you are going through this. As you can see, your blog family has your back. It’s the other person who really is on the losing end of this. [And just maybe the other person is also suffering but can’t talk about it and will come back around?] Regardless, love and hope is being sent your way.

  6. I don’t like to talk about this stuff, but I will just say that I think I know what you’re going through. I’ve lost a friend for no apparent reason – and it’s really tough when it happens. Hang in there!
    xoxo
    Jane

  7. I think I’ll echo all the ladies’ sentiments too, that losing a friend for no apparent reason is super hurtful and very difficult to understand. That happened to me in high school and I’ve just never really understood it to this day. I’m a little bit opposite of you Cait… I’m an over-sharer sometimes and let people in too soon. Totally leads to disappointment a lot and has left me a bit more guarded. NOT with you though! Wish you lived closer so I could give you a big hug!

    • Thanks Ashley! It has left me guarded but also (strangely) made me over-share with acquaintances I barely know sometimes. At least that has led to a friendship I wouldn’t have expected.

      Not guarded with you either! I enjoy our emails, comments, etc! And I wish we lived closer, too!

  8. PS- I’ve been a bit MIA from my blog lately too… for personal reasons, and I’ve really missed our chats and chain comments a TON!!! LOVE YOU LADY!!! (sorry… had to come back for a second comment)

  9. Sad post :(
    My best friend and I have known each other for 15 years. For the last 4 we have not said a word to each other. (Until 6 months ago when we finally reconnected). We hit a point in our lives where the only way we could grow as individuals was to not be friends. There was no falling out, no conversation just a gradual dissaperance and long bout of stubbornness on both sides. It was hard to understand what happened at the time. Why did she disappear? What had I done? The reality, was that I had done nothing wrong, she needed her space to deal with intensely personal issues and “figure things out”. The positive is that we have reconnected, and in many ways I feel that we never skipped a beat, we are both better more complete people. So don’t give up hope, your friend may be going through something and they need to experience some growing pains. It sucks and I’m sorry, thankfully there is pinterest to cheer you up ;)

    • Thanks Rocky. I completely understand the long bout of stubbornness. There is some of that playing into this, too. This has been a few months in the making, really. It’s almost like a switch was flipped, and loyalty now lies in a completely different place than it once did. At first it was little things, and now it’s escalated to the point where I don’t think there is much hope of reconnecting.

      Before this post (and even a little bit after) I was pretty confident that they were just going through something and needed time to figure things out. Then a harmless prank meant to provide comic relief turned out… well, kind of completely the opposite.

  10. Hey Cait, sorry to hear you’re going through rough times. Like all these other ladies I can identify with you in many ways. Ever since losing a lot of relationships when I went to college I keep people from getting too close. And although I know that’s probably not beneficial for me, it’s hard to get out of that mind set. Maybe that’s why we enjoy blogging? Anyway, just wanted to let you know you are not alone and I am praying that we can both keep trying to let people in even when there’s the possibility of getting hurt. Hang in there girl.

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